Roadmap to Irritation
by Mk Marie
Summary: Three super hot but annoying guys, one cramped car, 3,000 miles of open highway, and me, Bella Swan... No good can come from this. All human. OOC. Read if you liked truck-napper!
1. Chapter 1

_**DISCLAIMER: All things Twilight belong to the lovely Stephanie Meyer. I just like watching people cringe by mis-matching her characters.**_

**_Here is my new story. I know a lot, and I mean a lot of people said they wouldn't read this story because it's not canon characters but now that I've acknowledged it's existence the story refuses to leave which means I must write it. I'm hoping some of those poeple will change their minds because it's so much fun to write and I'm hoping it will be fun to read. If not I guess I'll be meeting some new readers. Hello, _****_Paul Fans!_**

**_*Full Summary- Three super hot but annoying guys, one cramped car, 2,500 miles of open highway, one bet, and me, Bella Swan. No good can come from this. All human. OOC. B/P(If you don't like it imagine Paul as Edward. Lol.) If you have been raised as the only girl with a heap of brothers you'll get this story. Also I'm hoping that if you liked Tales of a Charming Truck-Napper you'll give this one a shot._**

-Prelude-

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My parents split up when I was twelve. They both swear it's because they got married so young that they didn't really know what they wanted out of life. They were eighteen. I get it- things change. But I still have my suspicions that it was because my dad has a little man crush on Billy Black.

Why else would he be forcing our two families together? Dragging us to the dismal, rainy town where he grew up to have a fishing trip with Billy Black? I don't get it! Usually I spend two weeks every summer with him in California but Mom is going on the road with Phil this sumer so Dad arranged for me to spend three months with him, two weeks of which will be spent on his annuel fishing trip with Billy Black back in Forks where he was raised. It's been a tradition for as long as I can remember and I've never minded before, but then again I've never had to go before either.

And if that's not bad enough the trip started yesterday which was the last day of school so now I have to drive all the way to Forks with little Jacob Black, Billy's son, and the loser friends he's bringing along.

The last time I saw Jacob was before my parents split. I was eleven. He was ten. And the only thing I remember about the visit is that he and a couple of his friends ganged up on me. He had on of them, the biggest, sit on me while he fed me a mud pie. So of course I'm super duper excited to be stuck in a car with them for days. Note the sarcasm.

One cramped car, three teenage guys, and 2,500 miles of open highway. What could possibly be worse?

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I huffed, setting my bags by the front door. Renee and Phil had already left and I hated an empty house. That's why I had agreed to come on this trip in the first place. I was ok during the day. I was plenty independent and could take care of myself but everything was different at night. A dark empty house was so eary. Maybe I'd seen one too many horror films in my time. But I wasn't stupid; my neighbors hated me. They had dispised me ever since the time I drove my car into the side of their house when I was learning how to drive. They'd never report me missing until the foul oder coming from the house was too much for them.

There was an uncermounious honk from outside and my eyes widened. Please don't be Jacob! That honk had been a mix between an agonized shreik and a wail for help. I peeked out from between the blinds and let my forehead hit the window. Repeatedly.

The gods of reliable transportation were not smiling down on me today. A much taller version of the ten year old Jacob Black that I remembered was unfolding himself from the drivers seat of a small ancient VW Rabit with rust on the door.

Jacob saw me and waved excitedly. Dang! I've been spotted; there goes my chance of pretending I'm not home.

With a sigh I slung my backpack over my shoulder and grabbed my large duffle bag. Might as well get this disaster going.

"Bells!" jacob exclaimed as if we were best friends, grabbing my bag from me.

"Hi, Jacob," I greeted amiably. I had to look up to see his face now and his arms were well defined. He was wearing a tight black tee shirt which allowed me to see the barest hint of a tattoo on his bicept. This is definitely not the Jacob Black I remembered. He was, dare I say it? ...Hot?

"Eat any good mud pies recently?" he asked, grinning as he literaly mashed my bag into the already too full trunk.

Nope, still the same Jacob.

"Can't say that I have," I replied easily. "Still eating your own buggers?"

A chorus of _oh!s _and _she got you!s_ rose from the car as I let my smirk show.

"Your mother!" another guy whooped as if it was a compliment. he was also tall but I could tell from his face that he was younger. There was only one other guy in the car thankfully. This was a small car and I was not sitting on someone's lap. Although this last guy made it awfully tempting. He was so tall the top of his head brushed the roof. Although they all three had big brown eyes the irises of his had green around them and his teeth gleamed white against his mocha skin as he spat a curse at the younger one. Don't even get me started on the boys lips!

So there was something worse- I'm going to be stuck in a cramped car with three incredibly sexy guys for nearly 3,000 miles. No good can come from this!

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**_Author's Note: What do you think? Chapter one is already written and it's where the real fun begins because no matter how hot they are they're still guys. Anyone had to go on a road trip with a group of guys? Yea, you know what I'm talking about then. Boys will be boys no matter how hott. Reviews=love. They also= a faster update. Thanks guys!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**DISCLAIMER: The plot belongs to me but all things Twilight belong to the lovely Stephenie Meyer**_

_**Author's Note: I'm glad everyone seems to like the new story so far, even though it is Paul! Here's the first official chapter. Enjoy!**_

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I don't care hot hot they are. I never wanted this insight into the male sychie. The trip had officialy begun with the third guy, Paul was his name, announcing that all arms, legs, and feminine products be kept in the Rabbit at all times. And believe it or not that was their good behavoir.

We were about an hour into the trip now. Jacob had already stopped for Taco Bell once and I heard more jokes that began with, "So there's these two hot lesbians and a pastor right," than I knew existed. I had mentioned that none of them were funny so now they were burping the alphebet. They were up to M when Jacob released an earsplintering fart. It did sound eerily like an N.

"God, Jake!" I groaned, trying to roll my window down. "What did you eat?"

It smelled like rotting onions or a decaying corpse maybe.

Jake just grinned as Seth burst into a rousing rendition of beans, beans, the magical fruit.

"That window gets stuck," Paul snapped from the backseat. "If you roll it down it'll take us friggin forever to get it back up again!"

What a ray of sunshine the sexy Paul had turned out to be. The others were loud and annoying but he was something else all together.

"It's worth it," I gasped, sticking my head out of the now open window. My eyes were starting to water and that stench was not fading. It needed an exit strategy before it killed us all.

"Remember the time I put a dead frog in your pillow case when you were eight?" Jacob asked when I finaly pulled my head back inside.

My mouth dropped open but although the stench had faded the taste remained so I settled for narrowing my eyes into slits instead.

"That was you?" I gasped. Ugh, gasping not good either.

He nodded, seemingly proud of himself.

"Who'd you think it was, princess?" Paul smirked. "The toothfairy?"

Actually I had thought it had been Renee's sick idea to get me to try fried frog legs. I've never been big on trying new things. It didn't make any sense now that I thought about it but nothing my mother did made sense.

"That's only fair," I said, trying not to let my embarrassment over sounding stupid show. "You know, since I'm the one that super glued the toilet lid down that time you had the runs."

Paul grinned, raising his eyebrows as if I'd surprised him in a good way and I secretly beamed as Seth loosed another diabolical, "Your mother!"

"Bella," Jacob frowned. "I can't believe you did that! Everyone called me 'runs' for months!"

"And Jacob Brown," Seth chuckled.

I snorted.

"How about, Jacob-can't-make-it-to-the-bathroom-on-time-Black?" I laughed.

I was laughing alone.

All the boys blinked in unison and Seth shook his head as if my attempted insults were the saddest thing he'd ever heard.

Damn! My cousin, Leah had been right when she said my insulting nick-names were always idiotic. I'd thought she was just being mean.

"Hey, remember that time we fed her a mudpie?" Paul restarted the conversation.

Wait-Paul? Paul hadn't been there. That had been Jacob and the fat kid he had sit on me.

... Oh my god!

"You were the one who sat on me?"

Pail nodded, smirking as Seth hooted and gave him one of those stupid cangratulatory arm punches.

"You were a chunky monkey!" I screeched.

Seth and Jacob disolved into laughter. Well that one wasn't idiotic. I'd have to tell Leah.

"Chunky monkey," Jacob gasped. "What a way to be remembered."

"Shut up and drive, Black!" Paul demanded, his fists clenching on the knees of his faded jeans. "At least I'm not the guy who pooped himself."

It was quiet in the car after that. Paul was the kid who'd sat on me? The fat kid who trapped me and held me still so Jacob Black could feed me a mud pie? That's the reason I'm clastrophobic now!

My eyes flashed to the rearview mirror to find Paul, his muscled arm hanging outside the open window, the sun hitting his square stubbled jaw, and the wind blowing his raven hair around.

Well I've got to find a new way to pass the time because I'm sure as hell not going to fantasise about making out with him anymore.

The next time Jacob stopped to refuel I dug out my notebook. Since I'd stopped imagining Paul's plump lips and warm hands I needed something to do to keep from going insane.

Jacob had tried to get us to stop at every attraction advertised on all the road signs but I kept saying no because I wanted to get to Forks sometime before the world ended. 2012 was right around the corner after all!

It's not like I was all of the sudden excited to go fishing but I was overly excited to get this roadtrip over with. Jacob was finished filling the car up and Seth was coming back from the store across the street with a grocery bag, a package of sesame seeds, and a straw. That did not look promising.

Jake got back in the drivers seat and I got out to let Seth back in.

"Thanks, Bella," he grinned as I held the door for him. "Here's a little something for your troubles."

I caught the package of Twinkies he tossed me, my mouth watering already and smiled.

"Thank you, Seth."

"Where's mine?" Jacob frowned.

"They must still be in the store," Seth shrugged.

Jake shot an envious glance at mine and I moved them a little closer to me. Jacob got this kind of shifty rabid look when it came to food, his eyes twitching.

"You bought Bella one," he pouted, still eyeing the cream cake like it was a blond double d in a mini skirt. I turned a little away from the car, hoping to sheild the golden delight in case he made any sudden movements.

"I like her better," Seth explained simply. "She's funny."

I laughed.

"Thanks."

"Plus she looks better in tight jeans," Paul smirked as he came up behind me.

I whirled around, caught off gaurd. There he was, towering over me with all his muscles and strong jaw line. His dark eyes got a kind of devious glint to them when he teased me that made me forget how to breath.

"Keep telling yourself that," Jake winked playfuly.

"Where'd you go anyway, man?" Seth asked as Paul slid around me closer than necesary to crawl into the back seat.

"There was a hot blond at the pump across from us," he said. "I showed her a little Meraz charm and she was putty in my hands."

He held up one hand and I could see a name and telephone number written over his palm in swirly letters. Who has the time to dot their I's with hearts? Cindy. That's who. Stupid ho.

"Meraz charm, huh?" I grumbled, getting in and slamming the car door. "I didn't know you had any."

"Your mother!" Seth cheered.

"That's because I only use it with the really pretty girls," he glared.

My eyes narrowed as I ground my teeth together.

"Want a Twinkie, Chunky monkey Meraz?" I asked saucily.

His eyes darkened to dangerous shades but Seth cut in.

"A blond?" he questioned suspiciously. "But you like brunetts."

I can't know for sure but I think Paul growled. Whether he did or not I do know he tried to covertly kick Seth because his legs were too long and they ended up kicking the back of Jacob's seat which in turn made Jacob honk the horn.

I was pretty sure we were making the gas station attendent nervous by this time.

I flipped around, clicking my seat belt into place.

"Let's just go," I grumbled.

As the car puttered out of the parking lot I flipped my notebook open.

_Day#1, I wrote. Two days to go. Number of honk if you love Jesus bumberstickers I've seen? Six. Number of times Jacob has honked, startling everyone in the car? Seven. He swears the odd one was because he saw a mutant wolf on the side of the road but he really just likes watching us jump. Number of reasons why I wish we'd left Paul at the gas station with slutty Cindy? Too many to count._

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_**Author's Note: I know there are probably mistakes. There probably always will be, at least until my beta gets home. Lol. But other than that did you like it? Any thoughts? Reviews=love. Reviews also=faster updates.**_


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